I'm a failure to everything in my life. I'm a lousy boyfriend, who hurts my stead. I'm a lousy son, who's rebellious and disobedient to my mother. I'm a lousy friend , who always neglects them when i'm attached. How lousy can i be ? I really feel that it's meaningless to live on this world, this life of mine anymore. Undergoing so much stress , family, relationship, school. I'm tired, i don't want to have such stressful life whereby every day, every night having negative thoughts about, "Will my girlfriend leave me the next day?" , "Will we last long?" . I'm utterly disappointed when my love for you became something which you consider it "Crap" . How much effort i put in you can see it clearly, and now i know how much trust you put in me. Family, all i wanted is to have really a dinner with them, but everyday everytime, would be quarrels , nagging and scolding of maid. This type of home i'd rather consider it havoc. I'm literally giving up on life and i want to die. Yes, this is not negative thoughts, i've thought of it very clearly and i want to leave this world. On top, that picture is taken when i'm officially 18 . Yes, it's 18 years old. You won't be seeing me having 19 years old photos and stuffs anymore, no more posting on twitter and facebook, even tumblr and blogspot, i'm deactivating / deleting all . Remembering the times, i grew up as a kid living at a block in Toh Guan Road. Going for kindergarten with sister, always pee in my pants. Then nursery, always competing with my brothers and alwats going home and do homework straight after i've reach home, i was a very good boy then. Then followed by primary school, got transferred once during primary school because that primary school is closing down. Then met new friends, best friends i would say, which is still contacting now. I remembered the times whereby it's friday and everyone go "woohoo!" and i starting scolding vulgarities like i'm chanting. Headed to secondary school, with some of my primary school mates and we became cliques, best friends. Right after now , it's polytechnic. I'm just a simple guy with simple ambitions hoping for a simple relationship. No one has celebrated birthday for me, except churchmates and when i'm 18. I never really received more than 4 presents every year, even worse, none. Look how pathetic my life is when all of you think that my life is perfect, rich and my family isn't broken. This is me , who never think of having negative thoughts and now i started to have. It's all because i finally realise that things aren't going simple as i wanted and it's really very complicated. I'm tired of relationship, tired of family, and tired of my own life. I couldn't really have that glimpse of hope on why am i still living in this earth whereby my life is super screwed . Yes it's screwed , screwed by me myself alone. Everyone saw was the optimistic side of me whereby i joke, laugh and smile a lot. I'm not that strong in fact, i'm really weak and i really needed support from people. One of the major support is from family, I had tough times, right now, when i went home, all i get is scolding and nagging, tell me more about how should i even have this life whereby i'm already so deep down dejected yet having all kinds of treatment from friends, family and relationship ? I tried my best to think positively already, it's not i didn't try, but still i feel that it's more or less not important to me . Even if i got no more money left, i'll still try my very best to find ways to lend you money, because i love you, i loved you darling. I'm really disappointed in myself and in you as well. I really don't know what do you still want from me, all i left is my life, you want it ? take it then, i don't wanna live anymore. I hope that you can be happy every now and then. This is the really third time i breakdown because of someone i loved so much . I really tried not to think so much but still all i think of is you. I hurt you , yes it's a fact, but still i put myself in your shoe and i think , i cry instead, because i know how you feel, i know you feel hurt. I cried almost every night . Hoping for you to really forget that thing. Whats more do i get ? Nothing but cold treatment from you, i helped you , even though it's little but still i really tried my best to help you , hoping that you could actually give me a better treatment, but , hey , no i was wrong. I'm wrong in everything i'm wrong for starting this relationship and ended up don't feel like living my life anymore. From time to time, i kept thinking, about everything. Thinking on why do i even born at first. I don't want to be born, i don't want to stay in this world, i'd rather stay in hell and having sufferrings, tortures, rather than being here, having judgements and criticism among people. i hate everything .