This is how it should be

When was the last time you really had a fun time and after that day is over , you'll missed it very very much and regret not really be part of it ? Yea , my class chalet is very awesome , i loved it a lot , i love my class, i'm glad i have such classmates who bring smiles , laughters. Even though we joked around, making fun of our own classmates and such , but still they doesn't bear the grudge . Instead, they will even be involved and make us laugh like there's no tomorrow. Yea, it's really awesome , i missed the times super much whereby from the first day till the very last day . Initially was very pissed off because last minute quite a handful of my classmates said they can't make it, and was quite angry because everything wasn't organized. Was even on the verge of cabbing back home from pasir ris. Well, i don't regret going to my class chalet, because it's fantastically awesome much . It's a 3 day 2 night chalet. It's really very short okay , but before the chalet, people are whining about how long the chalet is blahblahblah, i'm one of them inside, but it's really very short ley. How i wish the whole class could stay together , as a family and live together , ok , that sounds absurd. During chalet , we met William  3 year old kid ! There ! He took a photo with me , and he really never fail to make me smile whenever i'm down man , i even put this picture to my phone wallpaper. He's a very cute boy, who's so hyper active and he wanted to camwhore . He initiated the camwhoring thing! Well, too tired to mention so much , played games during chalet , watched movies , and BBQ . Lastly , bonding with my awesome class 1B/24. (: i love them.

I'm a failure to everything in my life. I'm a lousy boyfriend, who hurts my stead. I'm a lousy son, who's rebellious and disobedient to my mother. I'm a lousy friend , who always neglects them when i'm attached. How lousy can i be ? I really feel that it's meaningless to live on this world, this life of mine anymore. Undergoing so much stress , family, relationship, school. I'm tired, i don't want to have such stressful life whereby every day, every night having negative thoughts about, "Will my girlfriend leave me the next day?" , "Will we last long?" . I'm utterly disappointed when my love for you became something which you consider it "Crap" . How much effort i put in you can see it clearly, and now i know how much trust you put in me. Family, all i wanted is to have really a dinner with them, but everyday everytime, would be quarrels , nagging and scolding of maid. This type of home i'd rather consider it havoc. I'm literally giving up on life and i want to die. Yes, this is not negative thoughts, i've thought of it very clearly and i want to leave this world. On top, that picture is taken when i'm officially 18 . Yes, it's 18 years old. You won't be seeing me having 19 years old photos and stuffs anymore, no more posting on twitter and facebook, even tumblr and blogspot, i'm deactivating / deleting all . Remembering the times, i grew up as a kid living at a block in Toh Guan Road. Going for kindergarten with sister, always pee in my pants. Then nursery, always competing with my brothers and alwats going home and do homework straight after i've reach home, i was a very good boy then. Then followed by primary school, got transferred once during primary school because that primary school is closing down. Then met new friends, best friends i would say, which is still contacting now. I remembered the times whereby it's friday and everyone go "woohoo!" and i starting scolding vulgarities like i'm chanting. Headed to secondary school, with some of my primary school mates and we became cliques, best friends. Right after now , it's polytechnic. I'm just a simple guy with simple ambitions hoping for a simple relationship. No one has celebrated birthday for me, except churchmates and when i'm 18. I never really received more than 4 presents every year, even worse, none. Look how pathetic my life is when all of you think that my life is perfect, rich and my family isn't broken. This is me , who never think of having negative thoughts and now i started to have. It's all because i finally realise that things aren't going simple as i wanted and it's really very complicated. I'm tired of relationship, tired of family, and tired of my own life. I couldn't really have that glimpse of hope on why am i still living in this earth whereby my life is super screwed . Yes it's screwed , screwed by me myself alone. Everyone saw was the optimistic side of me whereby i joke, laugh and smile a lot. I'm not that strong in fact, i'm really weak and i really needed support from people. One of the major support is from family, I had tough times, right now, when i went home, all i get is scolding and nagging, tell me more about how should i even have this life whereby i'm already so deep down dejected yet having all kinds of treatment from friends, family and relationship ? I tried my best to think positively already, it's not i didn't try, but still i feel that it's more or less not important to me . Even if i got no more money left, i'll still try my very best to find ways to lend you money, because i love you, i loved you darling. I'm really disappointed in myself and in you as well. I really don't know what do you still want from me, all i left is my life, you want it ? take it then, i don't wanna live anymore. I hope that you can be happy every now and then. This is the really third time i breakdown because of someone i loved so much . I really tried not to think so much but still all i think of is you. I hurt you , yes it's a fact, but still i put myself in your shoe and i think , i cry instead, because i know how you feel, i know you feel hurt. I cried almost every night . Hoping for you to really forget that thing. Whats more do i get ? Nothing but cold treatment from you, i helped you , even though it's little but still i really tried my best to help you , hoping that you could actually give me a better treatment, but , hey , no i was wrong. I'm wrong in everything i'm wrong for starting this relationship and ended up don't feel like living my life anymore. From time to time, i kept thinking, about everything. Thinking on why do i even born at first. I don't want to be born, i don't want to stay in this world, i'd rather stay in hell and having sufferrings, tortures, rather than being here, having judgements and criticism among people. i hate everything .

Having easier said than done, freedom, i understand everyone needs it, i believe that everyone needs freedom when being with your partner. Of course, but still, in order for you to gain freedom, you need to have trust for the other partner, thats why you give them freedom, if something is amiss, you would definitely will find out what exactly went wrong and what is this thing keep making you wonder. Honestly, i feel so unsecured, because of all your friends, most of them are guys, what will happen if they take the initiative to talk to you? Adding friends, of course you got this freedom too. But, are you adding the correct person? Or the person whom you doesn't know ? It is very hard to believe, and you can't blame the person for doubting you and stuffs, because of who you add. Unsecured love i would really say, but still, i kept quiet about it. You want freedom, you have it , as long as you doesn't do things which let me down. Hiding your recent activity speaks of how careful you are ? I guess, and what would you expect me to think of except negativity thoughts ? I don't know how i exactly feel right now and still i don't wanna hold you tight either, because you need some personal space right ? Then prove to me that i give you freedom not because of you requested to but also to make sure you don't let me down, then i'll really feel secure in this relationship. I can see you really did change for the better, but this "better" freaks me out. Or am i too paranoid and thinking too much about it ?

Having screwed up times these days when exams are still ongoing. But yet, relationship is one of them i would definitely never give up, especially with someone i loved so much till the extend of being rebellious and doing all sorts of things to prove it. This post is definitely for my lover, because i made her angry as i broke the trust she had. I am really sorry for doing such an incorrigible act because all i wanted was to help a friend. I know you can't trust me but still, if i were given one more chance i would make everything prefect, because i put myself in your shoe and think. I know you are hurt but still i ask for forgiveness. I know it is hard for you to trust me now, but still i will do my very best to gain back your trust. It's the second time i've broke your trust and i don't think there will be another time, because i have made up my mind to really make you realize how much i love and how much i care for you. I know this isn't a day or two to forget this incident but still, i hope you will give me a chance , as you said , i was given 3 chances, i screwed up the first one before now is the second one. Don't give up on this relationship just yet because i don't think it is worth giving up this relationship when i'm not totally wrong. It would be a waste if you give up this relationship, honestly, i don't want to have any 3rd time on breaking this relationship , it's just a short while only yet we had 2 breakups in between, i don't wish to have anything to hide from you anymore. This is specially dedicated to you, and i hope you'll forgive and forget everything in the past, unhappiness past, and start anew with me , walking this path hand in hand till the end of our lifes.

These few days have been really fun, and also, my Java end of semester exam is over, i'm sure i can pass, but it's the matter of getting an 'A' for that module or not. Let's hope I can really get an 'A' ! This weekend, it's suppose to be Mathematics Remedial (Optional), I didn't attend it and i feel really worried for my Maths as it's coming tomorrow, Monday 22/08/11. I wanna get an 'A' for every module so that i can get a Diploma-Plus. What is a Diploma-Plus? It is an additional Diploma a Polytechnic Student can get. Wells, there are different kind of diploma-plus. Accountancy, Applied Psychology and many more. But unfortunately, Accountancy is only applicable for 2 courses. So i decided to aim for Applied Psychology. In order to get a diploma plus, your end semester, or overall year GPA has to be a GPA of 3.5 and above. Well, i know my results for mid-semester. Results, as in GPA of course, for every module:

Java : A
TCS : A
SMM : B+
iDiscover : B+
Math : B+

Yupp, that will be all. I'm off.